Ladies, gentlemen, casuals and cat ladies, welcome to the inaugural Survivor Most Likely Awards ceremony. The stage has been set. The red carpet has been rolled out. The guests have arrived. Look, there’s Rupert wearing his Tie-Dye suit. Russell is searching under the cushioned seats for a hidden trophy. Corinne and the pre-merge cast from Caramoan are complaining about their seat allocation. And who’s that making all the noise and taking selfies over in the corner? Oh, of course, it’s the Dirty 30.
Before we begin with the first award of the evening, let’s give it up for our house band. It’s the legendary jazz musician and Cook Islands first boot, Sekou Bunch!
*thunderous applause and whooping*
Okay. That’s good. You guys are loud. Let’s get to this. For the past five weeks you have been voting and tonight we finally reveal the winners and losers of the fourteen Survivor Second Chance Most Likely Award categories. Tonight, you want to see your name written down!
Up first we have The Mike Holloway Award for Most Likely To Go On An Immunity Streak. And here to present the award is the man himself; the Worlds Apart winner and leader of the Dirty 30, the Scorpion King, Mike Holloway…
“Wow! Thanks for the warm welcome. What an honor! Looking out at all these Survivor legends, I feel like I’ve met each and every one of ya’ll. Actually, I think over the past 12 months on my year long vacation I have met all of ya’ll. Whose down for a Survivor road trip when this is all over? Lex? Big Tom? Ya’ll in? Busy?! What do you mean ya’ll are busy?! The award? Oh sorry ya’ll. Here are the nominees for Most Likely to go on an Immunity Streak…”
“All great nominees but I gotta tell ya, I’m rooting for my boy Joey Amazing! That kid, man, he’s stinking amazing! Such a nice kid! Did I tell ya’ll he’s amazing?! Love you Joey! By the way, I’ll be selling t-shirts out back after this if ya’ll are interested. Alright, here we go. And the winner is, with 150,000%… oh, wait, with 43.6%, is…”
Congratulations to Tasha on the first win of the night. Trish, where are you going? Come back. Don’t leave the ceremony already; we still have thirteen other awards to give away. Not everyone you like is going to win.
Okay, let’s keep the show on track. Up next we have The Brandon Hantz Award for Most Likely To Suffer A #SurvivorBreakdown. Now, Brandon couldn’t be here with us in person tonight because he failed the strict MLAs psychological evaluation. He did, however, send us his introduction via Facebook…
“Survivor breakdowns are no joke and u dont wanna make urself look dumb fallowing in my footsteps and what not stop while you can because you might just bite off more then u can chew… survivors not your momma or daddy… survivor will hit you kill you leave u homeless and break your heart lol #realtalk #ustupid #luvyou #uaintboutthatlife”
And the nominees are…
And the winner is…
Congratulations Abi-Maria, and thanks to Brandon for that ‘Kanye West at the VMAs’ worthy speech. What’s going on out in the audience? I can see an empty seat in the front row that was reserved for Colleen; she must have turned down the invite. And is that Wes over by the buffet table? Go easy on those chicken wings, Wes.
Up next we have The Courtney Yates Award for Most Likely To Give Killer Confessionals. Here to present the award is a woman so sarcastic that when she said she used to date Stephen Fishbach it took me 30 minutes to realize she was serious. It’s two-time Survivor player and Queen of Snark, Courtney Yates…
“First off, I can’t believe you made me wear a dress. Like, I wanna go sit back with a beer and eat chicken wings with Wes over there. I know Wine & Cheese Club sounds sophisticated, but like, I’m from New York City, dude, you think I know how to do any of this stuff? But seriously, you all look so beautiful. It’s like being at a Beauty Pageant. Excuse me while I throw up. And Sekou, I’m digging the music, but guys, maybe next year you could hire a little band called The Dragonz? I hear they rock. Let’s do this. The nominees are…”
“Peih-Gee is up for this award?! Hey, girl! Fist-bump. And the winner is…”
Congratulations Jeff! Make sure you hold on to that trophy and don’t let go. Before we move on, I hear that more congratulations are in order for one lucky couple here in the audience tonight. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, give a big hand to Blood vs. Water couple Candice and John Cody on the birth of their new baby girl.
Camera operator, wrong shot. Wrong shot! Sorry about that, Billy. By the way, Billy, if you need a new t-shirt, I hear Mike is selling some after the show.
Up next we have The Lex Van Den Berghe Award for Most Likely To Hold A Grudge. Is he refusing to come out? Why? He read a nasty comment I said about him on Survivor Sucks? Come on, man, that was like 5 years ago. It’s just an award ceremony. Oh, wait, here he is. Please welcome to present the award, the brilliant, talented and thick-skinned, Lex Van Den Berghe…
“It’s just an award ceremony? It’s just an award ceremony? That’s something we’ve probably all said a thousand times already tonight. But this is not just an award ceremony. For all of us, for all the nominees, it’s life. And the line between award ceremony and life is not cut and dry. They way you present these awards and the way you win these awards, says a lot about you as a human being. You don’t have to sell out your intergrity and character for a stack of golden trophies. With that said, here are the nominees…”
“Poor bastards. And the winner is…”
Congratulations to Vytas! You’ve finally won something that your brother Aras didn’t already win first. Apparently, someone has stolen the last of the buffet food. Security, check Woo’s pockets.
Up next we have The Jerri Manthey Award for Most Likely To Go From Zero to Hero. Here to present the award is a woman that at one time was so hated by Survivor fans that you’d think she was responsible for the concept of Redemption Island. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s three-time Survivor player and the original villainess, Jerri Manthey…
“Hi, everybody! Hey, is that the Dragon Slayer I see over there? How you doing, Coach? Rocking feathers to an award ceremony… I like it. I just saw Colby backstage. He’s so jealous that I get to present the Zero to Hero award while he has to present Hero to Zero. I feel like I finally won the battle. Here are the nominees…”
“Hey, Jeremy’s kinda handsome, right? Is he married? I’m sorry. And the winner is…”
Congratulations, Kelley. You see what you’re capable of when your dad is not around? How is everyone enjoying the show so far? It’s great to have all these different Survivor casts with us here tonight. But where’s my Samoa cast at? All I can see is Russell and Shambo.
Up next we have The Colby Donaldson Award for Most Likely To Go From Hero to Zero. To present the award is everybody’s favorite Survivor cowboy and Tina Wesson’s best friend in the whole world. He ain’t no Hershey bar; it’s Colby Donaldson…
“Ah. Jerri, Jerri, Jerri. You just can’t let me go, can you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You won’t let me go out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness, and I won’t let you go because you’re just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever. Anyway, here are the nominees…”
“And the winner is…”
Congratulations, Kelly. Maybe you can display the trophy above your TV and then every time you watch… oh no, I forgot. You don’t own a television. Okay, I have a question for all the women in the audience. Put your hand up if Joe has tried to hit on you tonight? That’s a lot of hands. Now put your hand up if you want Joe to hit on you tonight. Wow. That’s even more hands. Tyler, I said women, put your hand down.
Up next we have The Tony Vlachos Award for Most Likely To Find An Idol. Here to present the award is the man that has been hiding behind that potted plant at the back of the room all night, it’s Cagayan winner and llama translator, Tony Vlachos…
“Wow. This is huge. Most likely to find an idol? Let me tell you; I’ve already found plenty of stuff here tonight, kid. I brought my bag of tricks with me. Let’s see what I got in here. A jar of peanut butter. Some beef jerky. A sharpened machete. A Blackberry. A f**king stick. Oh, and the nominees…”
“Look at the young lad. So inexperienced. The winner? At this time I can neither confirm nor deny. Oh, I can? Okay. The winner is…”
Congratulations to Spencer. Maybe the young lad isn’t as…
“Yo, Spencer, I’m really happy for you, I’ma let you finish, but Russell Hantz is the best idol finder of all time! The best of ALL TIIIIIIIME!”
Quick. Cut to commercial.
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Welcome back to the Survivor Second Chance Most Likely Awards. Like Jeff Probst at Tribal Council, we have managed to restore order. Up next we have The Dan Foley Award for Most Likely To Misplay An Advantage. Here to present the award is the man single-handedly responsible for keeping ironic t-shirt and bumper sticker companies in business, it’s Dan Foley…
“It baffles me how my fellow presenters don’t understand basic presentation skills. It is an absolute privilege to be asked to present one of these awards. You are meant to pay respect to the nominees. I love all the nominees equally…”
Hold on a second there, Dan. You say you love all the nominees equally, but we have this CCTV footage of you earlier in the backstage dressing room. Take a look at this…
“That’s selective editing! It was a joke! Here are the nominees…”
“A joke! Lighten up! And the winner is…”
Congratulations, Keith. See, sticking to the plan doesn’t get you awards like this. And sorry Dan, but if you don’t say it, then we can’t show it.
Speaking of selective editing, our next category is The Purple Kelly Award for Most Likely To Get A Purple Edit. Here to present the award is the, erm… she’s the… hmm. She was on a season of Survivor; it’s Purple Kelly Shinn…
Congratulations, Woo. Who was that blonde girl that was just on stage?
We have come to that time in the evening when we must pay respects to our fallen comrades. Those from the Survivor community that are no longer with us. Please, join us at this time, as we remember…
Up next we have The Romber Award for Most Likely To Slay Your Favorites. Here to present the award is Survivor’s most famous baby-making couple. Condoms, who needs condoms? It’s Rob and Amber…
“Oh mmmmyyy gooooddd!”
“Look at all these dumb-asses.”
“How come I am not up for one of these awards?”
“Rob, you’re not on this season.”
“Then tell Probst to put me on it.”
“It’s called Second Chance. Not Eight-Hundred and Fourth Chance.”
“Whatever. I’ll come back next year and win one. And if not, then I’ll keep coming back every year until I win.”
“(sighs) If I give you a boy will you be happy?”
“And the nominees are…”
“Let’s see which of these idiots won…”
Congratulations, Kelley, on your second win of the night. You’ve already got more air-time tonight than your entire run on San Juan Del Sur. By the way, for those of you complaining that your seats are uncomfortable, we have a gentleman going around by the name of Rafa. He’s a licensed contractor and expert in construction. He will make sure each seat meets the standard comfort and stability requirements.
Up next we have The Ralph Kiser Award for Most Likely To Misspell Vote At Tribal Council. Here to present the award is a man that has spent the past year interning at CBS.com – it’s Ralph Kiser…
“It is remarkably easy for you pompous intellectuals to degrade and disparage those who may be less familiar and au fait with the English vocabulary, but I emphatically believe that we have more heart and fortitude than you could ever muster.”
Ralph, I… I apologize.
“And the nominees are…”
“A delightful and delectable selection of nominees I think you’ll agree. And the winner is…”
Congratulations, Keith. That’s another one in the bag! And once again, I sincerely apologize, Ralph. What’s all the commotion going on in the audience? Rocky calm down, we’ll tell Edgardo to scoot over. Come on, Edgardo, you know he likes his space.
Up next we have The Michael Skupin Award for Most Likely To Perpetually Injure Themselves. Here to present the award is a man that has had more hospital visits than Lindsay Lohan, it’s Survivor legend Michael Skupin…
“Ouch! Sorry, folks. I banged my head on the way out here. Those lighting rigs are too low. I’ll be okay. It’s just a minor cut; it’ll heal up in no time. I’m here tonight to… sorry I can’t read the teleprompter; it’s all blurry. I think you need to adjust the focus.”
Can we get medical in here to check on Skupin? Here are the nominees…
“Michael, can you hear me? My name is Dr. Ramona. I just want to do some quick tests, if that’s alright? Michael, if you can look out into the audience for me and tell me, how many Johns do you see?”
“He’s seeing double.”
Okay. Let’s get Skupin to safety. And the winner is…
Congratulations again, Woo; that’s award number two of the night, and I know you are very familiar with the number two. How are you all feeling? I know it has been a long night, but don’t worry, we’re almost at the end.
Our penultimate category of the night is The Shii Ann Huang Award for Most Likely To Place Higher Than Before. Here to present the award is the woman that turned up early and mistook the dress rehearsal for the real thing, it is two-time Survivor player, Shii Ann…
“Nobody told me it was a rehearsal. Nobody tells me anything. Nobody talks to me. I’ve been at the back talking to a potted plant all night, but all it kept saying was “This is huge.” Screw you stupid people. Here are the nominees…”
“Am I supposed to care? The winner is…”
Congratulations, Kelley, on the trifecta! Three awards in one night. Sheesh. Do you realize how many Periscopes we’re going to have to endure now? Okay, I can sense you all getting restless. A lot of you have already left. I hear there is a VIP after party taking place at Eliza’s, but you either have to be a member or like RC.
And here we are, in the last category of the evening: The Rob Cesternino Award for Most Likely To Place Lower Than Before. Here to present the award is the man that has turned podcasting into an endurance challenge, it’s two-time Survivor player, Rob Cesternino…
“Yes! That’s right! Hello everybody. Rob Cesternino here for another Most Likely Award category, and boy, what a category we have got in store for you tonight. Right, Stephen? Stephen? We might have a bad connection. Wait, you’re telling me I’m not broadcasting live on RHAP right now? Okay, moving on. I’m here to present the award for Most Likely To Place Lower Than Before – yeah, I don’t really wanna talk too much about All Stars. Moving on. The nominees are…”
“Stephen! Can you believe it’s come to this? Okay. The RHAP listeners have voted… what? Haven’t they? But they always vote. How do you think Tyson and I dominated the ET Canada poll? Inside Survivor readers? What’s Inside Survivor? I don’t understand. Right, and the winner is…”
Congratulations, Stephen. Who needs a Fishy when you have a Most Likely Award?
And so that’s that. We come to the end of the first ever Survivor Most Likely Awards ceremony. I hope you all had a fantastic time. If you need a ride home, I hear Rodney has rented Escalades.
Hello? Oh. You’ve all gone.
Thank you for joining us at the Survivor Second Chance: Most Likely Awards – Results Show. We hope you enjoy Survivor: Cambodia – Second Chance premiering this Wednesday, the 23rd September on CBS.
Most Likely To Go On Immunity Streak: Tasha Fox
Most Likely To Suffer A #SurvivorBreakdown: Abi-Maria Gomes
Most Likely To Give Killer Confessionals: Jeff Varner
Most Likely To Hold A Grudge: Vytas Baskauskas
Most Likely To Go From Zero To Hero: Kelley Wentworth
Most Likely To G0 From Hero To Zero: Kelly Wiglesworth
Most Likely To Find An Idol: Spencer Bledsoe
Most Likely To Misplay An Advantage: Keith Nale
Most Likely To Get A Purple Edit: Woo Hwang
Most Likely To Slay Your Favorites: Kelley Wentworth
Most Likely To Misspell Vote At Tribal Council: Keith Nale
Most Likely To Perpeturally Injure Themselves: Woo Hwang
Most Likely To Place Higher Than Before: Kelley Wentworth
Most Likely To Place Lower Than Before: Stephen Fishbach
DISCLAIMER: While the results of this award show are real, the events are purely fictional. The Survivor characters are based on an exagerrated imitation of their on-screen personas.